day 100

 I woke up crying and missing him. I feel so much stuff i wanted to say to him but i just know he doesnt care. he never cares and he doesnt owe me anything to care, right? i was begging to allah to make me feel ease in my heart thorugh the painful journey. AGain, i still love him i still care about him. I still thinking he must be happy without me and somehow im happy because i cant give him happiness

i want to be normal with painfu i mean i am not fighting the pain or not to feel the pain. It is just niormal pain and i keep telling myself it isokay you miss him, cry if you feel like. it is fine if iam in pain but iam safe right now iwth myself. I am at least comforting myself that i am gonna be fine no matter how sad and painful i am in. maybe im not okay and i cry and i allow myself to cry. last week i cant cry becaus ei was numb and iw as afraid i cant cry anymore