When I feel good, I feel guilty about being good because I just feel I am not honest with myself. I feel I don't deserve to have a good day because I am afraid this good day is a signal to have the worst day ever. I block myself to feel happy in order to protect myself. I don't want to be hurt. It hurts. I don't want to cry. Even if I am not fighting with my boyfriend, I still feel sad. There is something missing. I hope it is only because of my period. I don't wish to have perfect day neither the worst day. Most of the time, it feels easier when I have to express my sadness. I don't know anything about happiness. Enjoying good days for me means= not crying or have to cry my eyes out. It is really when it is good day it means I have to block my emotion. Today, when I woke up I feel panic attack. I feel something is bothering me, I don't know what is this. Maybe the fact that my charger is messing up and I don't want to fix my phone because I am afraid the wrong one is the charging port which is expensive as h*ll. I think maybe because I did not want to teach to the school again since I am tired. My boyfriend said so many mean thing lately, he said I am the ruinner and I work to do nothing in my job. Well, I don't understand why he mock me like that. I just don't feel excited when I woke up today.
But I am still working out. I know it is not excuse to just lay on bed and hope I feel happy. I am still working on to make my self comfortable.
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