Have you ever thought why you were born here? The reason of your existence in this broken world. Is that weird that we have to be with our body for the rest of our life? Well, when I was 20-ish I was afraid of death. I was anxious how my life will be at the end. I am afraid I am going to hell and the feeling of dying; where your soul leave your body. It must be so hurtful.
Now, I am thinking about what if I were never born? What would I be? Would I be a cat? Would I be a thing? I am literally tired of life. I cant believe that I am half of 50 years old. It means 50% of my life has been spent. Well, when I look back I forget what I did when I was young. Maybe the stuff that I always like(?) I didnt have hobbies; could say meaningless. I spent my life pursuing education but even now I could get highest salary. All I get is getting the minimum wage.
I am not quite understand why I am here. In Quran it says that We are here to worship Allah. The thing is I can’t find the happiness in anything. Everything is just being it is. My dream when I was young was to get comfortably living life. Now, ai cant even buy my own underwear. All I keep thinking is to save the budget. I am still not giving my parents money and presents. It is not fine for me. I picture myself to get husband and family but here me now I am struggling to find a man who loves me unconditionally.
I don't know the purpose of my life. I lost track of goals. Well I could say I am giving up to be the ambitious one. It is like all of my dream has to be vanished since none of that is coming true. I get it i get master’s degree which is a good achievement. But what is the point having a degree without living comfortably or being recognized jn the community? I feel I am useless to the community. I dont give any change, any influence to others. Even the closest of my family; siblings. I wonder how he looks at me. I really want to ask people “are you happy in this life?” I am just wondering to be happy you need to sacrifice something right?
I always think when I come home I work, come home, repeat again and again. When will it stop? Of course when I am dead. But I just wanna disappear for at least one year and comeback again and continue to disappear when I feel I want. Maybe I just dont like the concept of not being free. Human needs to be tight to the repeated activities and no one complains about that. It just feel I am the one who wants to stop the cycle. It feels why everyone just keeps doing. Where they get this motivation? Where it is to feel satisfied in life? Because I dont feel any happiness even after completing my goals. Is it just me dont appreciate enough myself? I keep comparing myself to people who has more achievements in their life especially they are young. I am so old now. I dont feel like I want to achieve any dream I have. For the job, it is tiring to look for job. I dont know I am just tired. I keep thinking what if I just disappear and would everyone notice?
Comments
Post a Comment