Things make me happy
1. Chocolate
2. Ice cream
3. Petting a cat
4. Cold nights with cozy blankets
5. Drawing
6. Making someone laugh
7. Donuts
8. Long weekends
9. Family
10. Sushi
11. Mie ayam bakso
12.Vacations
13. Money
14. Online Shopping
15. Flowers
16. Samyang
17. Learning new things
18. Thunderstorms
19. Dressing up
20. Candles
21. Fruits
22. Youtube
23. Prayer
24. Reading Quran
25. Doing laundry
26. Clean room
27. Travelling
28. Online Shopping
29. Saving up money
30. Video editing
31. New clothes
32. Birthday
33. Taking naps
34. Tacobell :)
35. Listening to podcast
36. Stationary
37. Puzzle
38. Sending my family money
39. Fasting
40. Losing weight
42. Badminton
43. No pimple
44. Pay day
45. New places
46. Being kind with others
47. Speaking English
48. Crying
49. Rainy day
50. Journaling
51. Making a poem
52. Accomplish goal
53. Drinking water
54. Cooking
55. Yoga
56. Meditating
Today, I am fasting. I woke up at 4.20 am and straight went to bathroom. I washed my hair, shaved my armpit and everything. It was so therapeutic. I feel 20% of my body lighter because I washed off all the dirt. Then, I continued praying and reading Quran. I was praying to get a tall, rich, lovely husband for me. I want to get married this year. I believe that I can get married this year.
I have boyfriend but I don't believe him as my future husband. I don't see him available to be my husband that I need emotionally. I love him but I know for sure I can't change him. If I want to, I need to get up an leave the relationship but I cant. I am settling for less. He replied my text every one hour lol. I was feeling sad but I don't cry. I finally have feeling to accept it is what it is and stop fighting for what I want. I just scrolling all the time, drawing some roses, practice my drawing skills.
Finally he called me at 9.20 am, he asked me "do you miss me?" without hesitation I answered "yes, I do" and when I asked him back he answered "we barely called before I sleep" which was like 24 hours ago and i answered "why you answer like that? I answer normally and you are so weird" he said "fix your attitude I am gonna hang up and call you back if you fix your attitude, shut up, you keep going and going. you always so quick to make 100 to zero". Then, I have to shut up and my feeling is invalidated. I have to hide when I cry because he would not care or acknowledge that what he said it is so freaking gross. He didn't even say sorry and I have to completely pretend that I am not hurting. Even if if I tell my feeling it won't change, it makes worse. I just let it go and pretend that I am having fun.
After 1pm, I took wudhu and prayed. I also read some pages. I was so sleepy if the time to read lol. I kept reading until more than 10 pages
I was taking nap from 2pm-3pm, I was dreaming about him how cruel he was to me, how rude he was to me because I suppress my feeling not to talk what bothers me. I learn to not ask anything because he always say I am complainer, even though I am trying to do everything right but I just feel I am not enough. As I am writing right now, I am crying. It hurts to see your own man can say "I love you" but do the opposite. I just think every time he said "I love you". I just think he never mean it. It hurts, but it protects me from overthinking.
I am accepting that I have to move on while in the relationship. I don't have any energy to fight. I don't have energy to voice what I need or want because everything is just complaining. I know this relationship is not right but I just keep hurting myself because I am afraid to be alone which is I am feeling alone right now.
Today- What do you want to be in 5 years?
1. I want to continue my study in Europe, Uk, or Us, where the country has snow. I have never felt snow before and this is the only goal that keeps me alive.
2. I want to have a job that pay me 10 times better than now
3. I want to have a nice house where I can garden, and swim, and play badminton with two floors in the mountain or close to the lake or nature
4. I want to have family with a man who loves and respects me
5. I want to have save up around 200million rupiah
6. I want to move to new country
7. I want to love myself
8. I want to be comfortable with myself
9. I want to study Quran
10. I want to go to Mekkah
11. I want to be a researcher work in the international university
12. I want to have investment
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