1. Don't be clingy
He just wants to "me time". He was shouting at me because he always has to call me and force to spend time with him otherwise I would complain "we don't spend time". Honestly, I just ask 1-2 hours of his time in his 24 hours. Literally, I give up everything. I don't text me or ask him what time he will be home. I didn't even ask anything for my birthday. He doesn't call me when he was home or going to work. He just send three texts throughout the day and he still says I am selfish. He tells me to shut up because I ask so many questions when we call after he is done working. He tells me to be what he wants. I try to understand him when he is out late I don't text him at all and let him enjoy his day. Yet, I am not enough to do everything. He said that all he wants is to enjoy his day without my presence. I am learning to get some hobbies such as painting and reading. It gives me extra joyful. I also talk to people when I work and I hope this will distract me. As I am crying right now, I am not crying because of him I am crying because why I let myself being disrespected. Now, I am not gonna ask whether he wants to spend time with me or not. Maybe, I try to not pick up his phone if he calls me. Every time we discuss, he tells me "I don't want to talk about this right now and you always do this every time". I am tired of crying. Well, I don't know what happen but I believe I am no the only one for him like I do think. I know for the fact I am being gaslighted but I just accept because I don't want to waste my time to person who doesn't think I deserve love. I won't be too much for the right person.
Today, when it happened I didn't cry out or think about that much. It just gives me the strength to enjoy myself. I need to learn more and more because definitely I am still the wrong one for him. I don't care what he thinks I just think myself can do better than just crying because of the shitty things. If I were asked what I love about myself I am sure that I have so much love and I believe I am kind person who always wants to bring happiness around my circle. I believe that I am worth of love. It is the meanest things to say myself that I settle for less. I am not gonna chase anyone just to be appreciated. I know I am not appreciated in this relationship. I am worthy of every love that I supposed to have. I should stop asking "do you love me?". It doesn't make him excuse if he is not emotional or not. He is in the relationship with me and all he thinks is how he needs. I still block him through media social so I don't stalk him or whatever he is doing.
2. Don't be emotional
Don't ever express your sadness or your emotion. Don't talk about everything in your life. Well, I already do that because he never asks me about how my day been doing. I just maybe not give the 100% silent; By resetting your priorities. Setting yourself as top priority, other people below, and your relationship even lower. Also, let him feel it but don‘t ever make it your top priority. Don‘t again do something because of him. Do it for yourself. You are, in the end, the most important person for yourself, as arrogant this might sound. Don't try to fix the relationship. There is nothing to fix. I have done my part to give the best of myself. I am sure I will become more aware. There is no point in talking cause I just get shut up. It hurts me so much however I will try my best. If he can think he needs "me time" in the space of this LDR I am sure I am not his priority enough to fill his day. I am sure he doesn't deserve the care, love, and kindness from me:)
Comments
Post a Comment