What doesn't kill you make you stronger
Diamond need to be crashed to be a diamond
What hurts you, grow the best you
Every one has ever felt the lowest moment in his/her life. Sometimes, it takes days, weeks, months or even it takes years to get up from the rock bottom. No matter what it is, we all go through the phase of grieving. Losing the love of life or being abused in the relationship whether it is family or your partner. Those are the examples of beautiful experiences.
Let's begin with my story. I have a 4-year-relationship with an American male who is now 24 years old. We met on the internet through omegle in 2020. I was 21 years old who had never been a relationship with anyone. I always hated myself because among of my friends I was always the single one. I believe men don't want to be with me because I am ugly. I never fit in my country's beauty standard. That is why I always talk to stranger online because I could hide my face and just being me who always love talking to people. Then, out of nowhere I connected to him and we began to talk like he was "the one". We were going so fast for almost a week, we kept texting for hours and sending love emojis, compliments, flirting, and pictures. I felt so lucky that a boy finally wants me despite my face. He thought I am beautiful. I was of course on cloud nine since I have never received the compliments. By two months, he already asked me to be his girlfriend and I was so excited because I always thought he is the best and I cant let go my happiness that I had been looking for.
The relationship was okay until it was not. For 6 months, I always cried and we fought because he crossed my boundaries and I gave it up because I was tired. Then, he began to curse as in verbal abusive and the relationship was not as beautiful as I imagine. But, he visited me to Indonesia for a month and his true color were he was short-tempered and threatening me everytime we fight. I have seen the red flags but I can't let it go because "I love him and now I realized all these are trauma bonding that I got.
On Januray 2023, we broke up and I was so devastated. He blocked me from everything. For some reasons he came back and blocked me again on February 2023. That was the final he blocked me from everything. I was crazy. My emotion controlled what I had to do. I was changing number just to text him, changing email, sent him crying videos, everything I could to make him back. I was ready to just give up this life. From february, I began to seek a therapist. I cried every freaking single day, I was hoping he came back, because I was so lost without him. My purpose was to just be with him. It has been taken from me and I didn't know what to do. My face was breakout because I didnt control what I eat, I didnt take proper sleep, I didnt even go out to meet people. It was during my semester break so I didnt have anything to do. My work fired me because I could not go to work. First step is shocking me, it was denial. I always think "what if" to save the relationship. Second, is anger. I really hate him after i think i dont deserve all of his treatment during the relationship, I should be the one who leaves him because he is not special. Then, bargaining that I beg to god to turn back the time and I want to fix what I have done then depression hits me the hardest where all i think is Killing MYSELEF. I can feel this feeling in one day over and over. There is no acceptance. It is the cylce I have to go through for 3 months. That shit was almost kill me.
I was working on myself to set the new purpose of my life that people come and go no matter how much he said he loves me. I was thinking about him 24/7. Wherever I went, I cried because it is about him. I didnt care about myself. Then, my therapist suggested me to workout, meditate, and do journaling. For some reasons, it worked for me even though I was crying still like a crazy girl.
April 16th, 2023, he came back, He called me and he said he was sorry for everything he said and did and he couldn't find someone else. Poor me so happy because I thought hey I have a purpose now. He visited me again in August to February. During 6 months, he cheated, slept with another Indonesia girl, flirted with some girls on snapchat, abused me emotionally and physically by banishing me from the hotel we stayed in. Again, I forgive him.
The thing I learn is I don't want to give love, I don't want to trust people, I have to act I don't care, I have to show no emotion, I have to depend on myself and my ALLAH, and no one brings me happiness. I bring myself happy. I am the one who is responsible for myself. I learn the hardest to love myself as hard as I love him back then. I have to control my emotion to react certain way. I dont want to be dumb because I love. I believe myself is worth of love and everything in this world. I work hard for everything because of me:)
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