Simplicity of Youth

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August 01, 2024

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I havent forgiven myself

Hard to breathe

Hard to sleep

Oberthink

I do t mnow why

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Day 36- Low Motivation

I have really been down today as it is Thursday. Today is a national holiday and I don't have to work. I feel I am unmotivated for some reasons. I just want to go to bed and do not shit. I have pushed myself to workout maybe I am not 100% but I am glad I was sweating at least for 30 minutes. Today is challenging for me because maybe I am just tired. I don't know. I feel bored as well. I supposed to buy vegetables so I can cook but I am so lazy to just get out of the bed. Mimi the cat came at 3 am and then I continued to pray. She is a cry baby that is why she always meows every time. I love her but if she is little bit quiet I would love to keep her. I can't have dog in here ince the landlord hates the cat but yeah I make sure she did not make any noises. I fed her and Kiwi too. So many cats came lately and I love that. I don't know what to write. I am so uneasy to my self. I am eating more and more than usual. It discourages me I guess. I am at least writing in one day...

Aku

Saat di sudut ruangan, aku ditatap kehampaan tentang bayang-bayang masa depan apakah aku hanya beban? hari-hari mencari secercah cahaya barangkali akan menjadi penanda atas ruang kosong yang semakin menganga di dunia fatamorgana namun bukan jawaban yang bertamu bukan hitam, bukan putih hanya abu-abu seperti tersesat di jalan buntu lebih baik terjebak di labirin liku-liku suara- suara mengoyak ruang pikir menjadi penunggu di hari akhir bergulat bersama hati yang fakir meronta berteriak "ini sudah berakhir" hanya air mata yang mengalir seperti rambut jatuh yang tersisir tanpa arah, lemah, dan bergilir masih disini, sendiri, belum berdamai

Day 46- Random thought

Today, my boyfriend finally done with his alone time. I was begging him to stop ignoring me and he would listen to this desperate girl. I am obtaining to get more knowledge about scholarship. I should apply PHD scholarship, maybe it is in Malaysia. I really want to live to another country again but I don't know with what. I have to get another scholarship. I guess I want to go to country with snow. I want to see snow really bad. My friend is in China and he said I can come with him as well but the thing is I need to pay agent for 20 million and it is alot. I am afraid I get scammed by the agency. But he has been in China now and soon he would get married. While me, not even know what my relationship status is

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